“I was being sexually what?”
“You were being sexually probocatibe to the Mexican girl. Don’t you remember?”
I can’t believe it. After all that I promised myself.
“Maybe it was rather erotically probocatibe”, Felipe fills in, “but man, don’t worry, I know why you did it.”
“From the start of the night, there was an erotic tension between the Irish man and the Mexican girl. Late at night it was gettink unbearable. That is why I went to the bathroom. I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“But nothing happened. Now if you wouldn’t have gotten all erotocally probocatibe, nothing would habe happened until the end of the night. Because of you, he fealt pushed to kiss her. They thank you for an enjoyable night. Good work, hermano”, and he hits me twice on the chest with his fist, like real men do.
“So there must be another reason for this guilty feeling…”
“Of course”, Felipe chuckles. “Don’t you remember what you did on the subway train?”
“Ma-an, I can’t beliebe you can’t remember. Hermano, it was hilarius.”
“Felipe, please tell me what happened.”
“Man, it was soo funny. Listen. When we arribed at the platform, the train was waiting for us. Just there. Couldn’t be more perfect. The doors were open and we could go home. But because of you, we didn’t take the train.”
“Because you saw a homeless man moobing dozens of boxes from inside the train to the platform. He needed help. Like some kind of a crazy hero, shaking your head a little too much, you ran to the train, jumped in between the closing doors and helped him moobe all of his stuff.”
“That’s a good thing, right?”
“Yes, but by helping him put eberything on the tracks we lost our train, man. We had to wait for extra thirty more minutes. It was freezing.”
Felipe chuckles again. “It only got worse after that, hermano. You noticed a pack of red candy in one of the man’s boxes, you know, the red candy with the long strains…”
“But let me ask you this first: do you like candy?”
“Not that much. Not at all, actually.”
“That’s strange. Because yesterday, you would habe killed for it. You pointed to the pack of candies and told the man we deserbed that pack of candy…as…as token of his gratitude…for our generous help – those were your exact words!”
“The man said he needed the candy to surbibe, to which you replied that he was talking bullshit, that no one can surbibe on candy. Because it has no bitamine.”
“Bitamine. That’s what you said. So you reached over, took the pack and started eating. Not just eating, you were devouring the man’s candy.” Felipe is now snorting, I am motionless.
“What did the man say?”
“Nothing. He was such a noble person. He started telling us about his wife’s drug problem – the reason why he libed on the street. You got totally into the story and kept asking him questions. So much that – when the next train arrived – I had to grab you by your coat and drag you into the train, else we would habe missed it.”
“With or without the candy?”
“That was the funniest thing, man, the homeless guy followed you to the door and politely asked if he could have his pack of candy back. You said: of course. But with one hand, you grabbed almost all of the candy and just before the doors closed, you gave him back the pack – almost empty.”
“God…” Hence the feeling of guilt. “I feel ashamed.”
“You should”, Felipe smiled, “but not eben that is the end of it. When the train was moobing, you looked at your fist – full of candy – and said, quite dramatically: what habe I done? Then you went around the whole train, handing out candy to ebery homeless person. You don’t remember any of that?”
“Man, it was hilarius. That is what you do when you get drunk? I laughed my ass off. I even videotaped parts of it. You don’t remember anything?”
“No. What did the homeless people say?”
I am so sorry about this. Now I understand the cause of the guilt. Homeless people deserve better. But on candy you cannot survive. They need to know that as well.
I have lamb chops with Felipe. I tie my shoes, grab my coat and make for Tribeca, to collect my black leather bag at the trader’s reception. On my way there, I get plucked off the train by the police. But that is an entirely different story. I guess it’s been enough for now. This is where this tale ends.